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Failure to Launch: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live With Their Parents
By Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
This article is the first in a 3-part series by Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW on the growing problem of adult children living at home.
Are you one of the millions of frustrated, exhausted parents whose unmotivated adult child still lives at home with you?
Like many in this situation, you might be feeling resentful that your adult son seems to think he’s entitled to meals, laundry, and gas money when he does nothing but sleep and party.
Or you might get frustrated and angry when your 20-year-old daughter doesn’t help around the house or even take the time to thank you for what you’re doing for her.
When your kids were little, you probably expected them to live on their own one day. So why does your child seem incapable of moving out? And how do you handle it when they don’t?
Failing to Launch is an Epidemic
So many Empowering Parents readers have written in asking questions about the challenges they face with their adult child who is still living at home. We’ve heard from parents whose kids are verbally abusive, disrespectful, and entitled. The parents often ask, “Wasn’t this supposed to end at age 18? Why is he still acting like a surly teenager?”
Often, parents who’ve counted the days to a child’s 18th birthday, looking forward to their own freedom, find themselves wondering just when that countdown will end. Twenty? Twenty–five? Thirty?
Adult kids living at home is called the “failure to launch” problem, and it’s an epidemic these days. Before we can look at how to help an adult child move on toward independence, it’s important to understand how our society got here in the first place.
Parenting According to the 1970s
In 1974, a quaint little show called Little House on the Prairie began its run on network television in the United States. It followed the life of a family and a young girl named Laura, who grew up on the American frontier in the 1800s. The show was immensely popular.
Each week, Laura encountered a new situation that offered opportunities for her to learn about life, develop values and morals, and take responsibility.
Often, she had conflicts with the local bully, a mean girl named Nellie. Laura experienced heartache—she fell in love with a boy who didn’t love her back. And, Laura’s family struggled just to survive. A pair of new shoes and a piece of chalk for school were luxuries to be celebrated.
Laura always respected her parents. And, most importantly, each child had an important purpose and a role in the family. Laura helped her mother care for the younger children. Laura’s older sister was the seamstress. And everyone pitched in to help with the farm and animals.
At this time, no law required children to attend school, and school was considered a luxury and a privilege. Laura did her homework nightly because she wanted to learn, and because it was expected.
Throughout the show, Laura’s parents allowed her to experience struggles. As a result, Laura learned how to overcome adversity on her own. Laura learned how to handle mean girls without getting her parents involved. “Work it out,” was the message Laura received consistently from her parents.
Parenting According to the 1980s and 1990s
Fast forward to the 1980s and 1990s. Many of today’s parents grew up during this time. A movie called Parenthood was popular. It was a film about the joys, anxieties, and ups and downs of parenthood. It was also a movie that subtly showed how society had begun to change its views regarding the roles of parents and children.
One of the characters, Larry, is an adult child who has returned to his parents’ home. He returns with thousands of dollars in gambling debt and a small child to raise. Larry is offended when his father suggests he get a regular job, with no potential for a quick payoff and riches. “I’m better than that,” Larry says.
The end of the film shows Larry’s father, a man in his sixties, putting off retirement so that he can pay off his son’s debts and raise his new grandchild that Larry has neglected and left with him. Meanwhile, Larry embarks on another fruitless get–rich–quick scheme.
In the movie, Larry was never forced to take responsibility for his mistakes. As a result, he never learned from his mistakes either. Larry’s father, in one scene, describes his view of parenthood to another of his sons: “It’s not like it all ends when your child is eighteen or twenty–one or forty–one or sixty–one. It never ends.”
This theme wasn’t just part of a movie. It was a reflection of how times were starting to change in our society. Larry was 33 years old, and his father still believed it was his job to fix his son’s mistakes.
The 2000s: Failure to Launch
The parenting movie of the 2000s was a romantic comedy called Failure to Launch. The film depicts the life of a man in his thirties who is the modern version of Peter Pan—he never grows up. He has no idea how to commit to a real relationship and is perfectly comfortable living with his parents. His parents are not at all pleased with the arrangement, though.
To help their son, the parents hire a beautiful woman who makes her living doing guess what? Building a man’s self–confidence by creating a crisis that he can successfully resolve, thus gaining the skills he needs to make it on his own.
Her job is to help grown men accomplish what they never did in adolescence or early adulthood, which is to live independently. Again, our society’s view of family life is depicted through the media and shows us finally reaping what we’ve been sowing—the long–term results of doing too much for our children, rather than letting them do for themselves.
While the movie is funny and has a happy ending, in real–life, there’s nothing funny about your adult child living in your home because they’re unable or unwilling to live on their own.
Life Lessons Lost
Think back to when you were a child. If you grew up a generation ago, you probably played outside until the street lights came on. All the adults in the neighborhood had the authority to reprimand you, and you truly cared if you heard the words, “I’m going to have to tell your parents about your behavior.”
In those days, if you experienced conflict with other kids and complained to your parents, you heard something like, “Well, work it out.” And that’s what you did—you learned how to resolve conflict.
You also learned that life isn’t always fair, and it isn’t always comfortable. You learned to deal with anger and anxiety. Often, you were disappointed and frustrated. And sometimes you were bored. Nevertheless, you learned to cope and survive these emotions, as painful as they were.
And you also learned about natural consequences. If you didn’t do your homework, you likely failed, because that’s a consequence of not completing your work. Some kids passed to the next grade. Some kids didn’t.
You had chores, and you didn’t necessarily get an allowance. You couldn’t wait to grow up so you could make your own rules and have your own place. Living with your parent’s rules made you uncomfortable enough that you wanted to leave someday.
Every day of your childhood and adolescence took you a step closer to having the skills you needed to do just that—leave home. Childhood and adolescence were a time of gradually gaining independence so you could one day live as a productive, independent adult.
Today’s Generation — No One Can Be Uncomfortable
Since the 1990s, we’ve seen a boom in technology: smartphones, computers, gaming, and social media. It’s a whole new world, one that doesn’t require much imagination. There’s no need to invent games now, just turn on the Xbox. Instant gratification has taken on a whole new meaning. There’s no reason to be uncomfortable in today’s world. And there’s no reason to be bored.
As we’ve become more comfortable with technology, our society has also shifted to the extreme of simply not wanting to be uncomfortable at all. And we’ve passed that on to our children. Many of us want our children to have better lives than we had, even if we had it pretty good. We hate to see our kids suffer.
If you ask any parent, their wish for their child is almost always for them to be happy. Unfortunately, we spend too much of our time trying to make that happen for our kids. We involve them in activities. We get involved in their academics. If our child gets a teacher he doesn’t like, what’s our first instinct? Call the school and get his room changed.
We even get involved in their peer relationships. Indeed, many parents today will not hesitate to call the school if a child has a conflict with a peer. Sometimes this is warranted, especially in a bullying situation. But many times, it’s parents stepping in to solve a problem better left to their child.
These things can be helpful in moderation. And an involved parent is generally a good thing. But as a society, we’ve gone to the extreme. And the increasing number of adult children living at home is the consequence.
We’ve Become the Caretakers of Our Kids
Over time, our kids stopped learning to solve problems for themselves. They stopped learning how to entertain themselves. And they look to adults to fix things for them. Parents may help their kids out of love and with the best of intentions, but over time we’ve gone from caring for our children, to caretaking.
Caretaking is anything we do for our children that they can do for themselves. It means fixing or solving a problem for your child rather than teaching or showing him how to do so himself. Caretaking means doing your child’s homework for him so he won’t fail. It might mean cleaning your child’s room because it’s easier, and it will be done right if we do it.
While caring for our children is a good, positive thing, understand that when it becomes caretaking, it stunts your child’s growth. Skills he could have learned as a young child or adolescent get delayed into his twenties or thirties. Or maybe never.
Kids Who Haven’t Struggled Aren’t Prepared for Adulthood
Today, young adults struggle to find their way—both emotionally and financially. They’ve entered adulthood ill-equipped to cope with disappointment. If they get turned down for a job, they give up. They haven’t learned persistence, and they haven’t learned to deal with adversity. They can’t manage the day–to–day responsibilities and inevitable conflicts of a marriage.
Many young adults in today’s generation tend to have unreasonable expectations for employers. They wonder what their employer is going to do for them rather than the other way around. And they have little tolerance for the needs of others when those needs conflict with their own. They believe they’re entitled to material things even if they can’t afford them.
Sadly, during childhood and adolescence, the primary coping skill many kids have learned is to go to their parents when there’s a problem. But when they enter adulthood and mom or dad isn’t there to fix things, they don’t know what to do. They come back to the one coping skill they’ve learned—ask mom and dad for help. Or worse, insist that mom and dad are obligated to help them.
Many of these kids remain at home, on the couch, playing video games. Their parents step in and pay rent and utilities, buy their food, and pay their insurance. This caretaking can go on into their twenties, thirties, and even longer.
Add substance abuse to the mix, and the caretaking mode we go into shifts into high gear. No matter what age our child may be, we feel driven to save them from the risks of drinking or using drugs.
We knew a 99–year–old woman whose son continued to live with her until he was 67 years old. At the age of 96, she was out mowing her lawn while her son sat on the couch. He was her baby, and he remained so forever.
Good Intentions Don’t Always Get Good Results
Many of the questions we get from parents mention the struggles of dealing with adult children who exhibit oppositional defiant characteristics, abuse substances, or display a basic resistance to growing up. These parents are not alone.
It’s helpful to realize that this is a reflection of how our society has gone to the extreme of caretaking for others, not just our children but even for our spouses or other loved ones.
Although caretaking behavior is borne out of love, an unhealthy caretaking cycle can develop. The child experiences stress, and the parent intervenes, fixing or resolving the situation. The child learns to look outside himself for coping skills, in the form of the parent. And so the cycle goes on into adulthood.
The key to breaking this cycle is to help your child with internal coping skills. Help your child foster a sense of self–confidence. And let your child experience discomfort for himself so that he learns he can be uncomfortable and still survive.
In our next article in this series, we’ll look at how to overcome the challenges of helping launch your adult child into the real world—without having to hire an actress to help you!
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the “Parent System”
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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Ugh...I am fearing our son might be on the same path. He has always been behind his peers "emotionally", so I am hoping he grows out of this soon. He is 19. He is currently enrolled in college, at the local junior college, but he has failed the previous 3 semesters. He did not do well in high school at all, though he is incredibly bright. It was like pulling teeth to get him to graduate. There seems to be nothing that interests him. He says the military, but he blames us for not letting him join when he graduated high school (which he was 17). We sent him away to college, paid for entirely for the first year by us, then he failed every single class. He came home, we found out he has dabbled with weed and smoking. (He uses this as his reasons he is angry - because of nicotine withdrawals, because he is trying to quit). He does not know what he wants to do, everything seems to be an excuse. The silver lining is he can work, and has, but he claims to have anxiety (he has a hard time talking to people). He has not had a girlfriend. His friends are online through his games, etc. He has 2 solid friends in our neighborhood - one appears to be going down the same path, the other friend is away at college. Then my son gets bitter about it being our fault that he failed because he was so far away from us when he went to another state for college. The other silver lining is he has zero problem helping around the house, he is respectful 90% of the time, and a sweet kid. He will just not make a choice to make a decision. He makes goals, but does not see them to fruition.
I feel for the parents on this blog, and it sounds like our stories are the same. I often ponder what have we done to our society of boys?
Thank you so much for creating this place for parents. It’s a great article. I guess my two cents is this: we did not raise our son to be a freeloader. When Covid happened. I believe part blame goes to the schools and the state mandates. Telling our students to stay home and go to school through online sources virtual classrooms. It made them very lazy. And then when they come back to school they have all this entitlement and privileges coddling of them as though they are children when they are really of adult age. The other problem is I believe now that I have a four year university degree, I will just wait for that brass ring and the golden ticket to come to me. I’m not going to get a JOB because that is beneath me. I deserve something better I want to school for four years I want my reward. At least that’s the mentality I see. They will not go out and get a job. Instead they pick up small opportunities that are in relation to their degree. I support the pursuit of the degree and do what you love but in the meantime thinking that you cannot get a job because greater things are awaiting you because you have a four year degree? In the meantime are you not going to work and bring home any income? If you can’t afford to move out isn’t that a red flag you might need to go out and actually work hard. Here’s one kicker for you my son tells me when I move out of here I’m gonna move in with my girlfriends parents. My question is did you go to university to end up like this? If any of you have watched failure to lunch with Matthew McConaughey, I am living it. My nickname for my son is Tripp.
Universities have told our kids work smart not hard don’t lower your standards and have a trivial job. That is a bunch of BS. They can work hard and they can work smart at the same time. But they need to have a reason to work hard and get out. This is a generation that does not hold the values that the previous generations have had. Period I think it’s hard on our marriage. There are double standards, and for some reason our 23-year-old seems to feel he is exempt from everything else except that he can do what makes him happy. This is definitely a wedge between my wife and I.
Hi Wesley. I'm your son's age. Your son is actually ahead of the game by having 1. a college degree and 2. a girlfriend. I have neither. See, could be worse.
Your observations about modern society are pretty accurate but I don't understand why parents are always BLAMING US for that. We hate it more than you do. We can't afford to live independently. Where I am, working minimum wage, you have to work 145 hours to afford one month's rent. It's no wonder that we'd rather just try to enjoy our youth.
I have read about Forte Strong - did it work for your son? It is very expensive $70,000 if I remember correctly and not covered by insurance and they require payment UPFRONT.
I would really Ike your feedback. Thank you.
Hello! I'm 19, just graduated high school this month and hope to get a learners permit and a job soon. I actually know two places near me that are hiring. (Got the paper applications today.)
I really don't want to end up like that, what this article is talking about. I just have quite bit of anxiety and I'd hate to be a failure to my parents. I've heard of stories of other people moving out way earlier than me and yet I still live with mine. I know I shouldn't compare my journey to others as everyone's path is different, but I can't help but feel guilty. Especially if something happens when I DO end up living on my own and then I end up losing the apartment or something. That makes me really scared.
I do definitely help out around the house and I don't feel like things should just be handed to me. I am EXTREMELY grateful for all that my parents have done for me. Seriously, they're amazing. I also pay for my own phone bill with the money I've saved up from babysitting. (I'm no longer needed in that role though because it's summer.) I also don't mind starting from the bottom and getting my first job as a waitress or something. You have to start somewhere, right? I guess this is just how it is when you first start transitioning.. I do know i still have a lot to learn. I just have a big fear about messing up and disappointing my parents. Any advice?
Please send more info.
Need help in Ohio!
John
I agree. Everything written here is like I’m reading a book of my life. I’m 72 and so tired to turmoil in life with 2 sons who can’t launch themselves—33 and 36 years old.
Need actual steps to turn this situation around which we’ve done by loving too much.
We can't necessarily fix all the wrongs of the past but hopefully we can learn and do different. Rethink how your children are educated. Sir Ken Robinson unfolded the American educational institution in a TED talk in 2006...it's and industrial assembly line. I know, I was a teacher for twelve years and left after I had my three sons to take a path less traveled.
Why not diversify your high school campuses to represent the reality of diversified jobs (rather then just STEM) and demonstrate to students that the world offers a full range of job opportunities rather than causing the students to compete for those 20% of jobs that STEM is representing. Darwin was right on his observation of the animal kingdom...but just maybe he was not to far off on how we as humans are really behaving....
I absolutely agree with this article.
My family and I recently moved in with my mother to help care for her during the final stages of cancer. My husband has an adult son (20) who has tried to bounce back to us several times, but I do not allow it. At 19, he stayed briefly with us since his mother kicked him out because she was fed up with his leaching off of her and he had to move across the country to be with us. It was a temporary situation and we gave him a timeline for a job, rent payments and his responsibilities around the house. I caught a woman in the bed with him (he shared a room with my son (13)), we found drugs on him, and he refused to pay any of his expenses, so he was out on his ear and is not welcome in my home until he learns respect. My husband is not as tough as I am, though. My husband pays his son's bills, causing his bills to get paid late at times. I've always chipped in my share of our bills on time and he's had to suffer the late fees (we have separate finances), but it worries me at my mother's house. In the agreement with my mom, we would cover 100% of the household bills and get the home when she dies in return. This will allow her to use her money to live her life to the best ability she can while she still has time. My husband gave his son an ultimatum over Christmas, saying that he had to join the military or move back to their home country to live with his grandmother and attend college. However, my husband has a soft spot for his son and believes the lies that he tells... he claims he is going into the army, but he probably can't pass a drug test to save his life. I worry that my husband will continue believing his son and support his son financially, to our detriment. I don't want to have my mother worrying about finances during her few remaining months. I'm not one to give ultimatums to my husband, but perhaps it's time to say he needs to choose the financial drain that is his son or the wife who is here to help him accomplish his goals in life. Before you judge me as heartless towards my stepson, my husband and I have been married for 7 years now and his son lived with us from 13-17 and only left to live with his mother because I was trying to teach him responsibility and he whined about it and wanted to smoke weed. I am the only one who actually TRIES to get that kid on the right path, but he is so disrespectful and a pathological liar that I have had to let go of him and focus on my biological teenager. I couldn't have my son seeing the entitlement, arrogance and blatant disrespect for the family, the rules of our house, and the laws of our country (my stepson once told me that it was the parents' job to make the kids happy and he thinks he's entitled to use drugs).
My son, on the other hand, has chores around the house that he does with minimal groaning. He is excited to turn 14 soon and start working part time at the grocery store as a bag boy. It's not like my son is perfect, he does backtalk and can be lazy, but it is nowhere near the struggle with my stepson.
Parents, please stop rescuing your babies from every little thing that goes wrong. Struggle teaches valuable lessons.
Chris Grey Guest for a day
The truth is simple to understand but complex to deal with. Parents, in most cases mothers, have enabled these children (most cases boys) to depend on other people to take care of their needs. These children have learned since childhood that they are not responsible for anything. They expect others to take on their responsibilities and get very upset with any conversation challenging that view. And, in the case of step children, their mothers will get very defensive when challenged regarding the need to have their sons grow up and shoulder the normal responsibilities of adulthood.
Karen916 don't be silly don't be embarrassed, we learn from experience. Can you move out with your sister? both renting a place for the 2 of you? Have you think about moving to a different city? area? state? anywhere were you can get a job in your field that fulfill you.Sure it won't be easy but probably it would be better than what you have right now. Some of us have left our countries and our families for a better future, you won't have to leave your country maybe just your state, I don't know maybe I'm wrong but what do you have to loose?? You are still young, don't have kids, yes you have your loan but don't let that determined the curse of our live.
I came from another country and lived 15 years in California, I wanted a house so bad when I used to live in there, and I never stop dreaming, one day we did something drastic, moved to 2,300 miles away, got my house, a job in the field that I wanted and my kids grew up in a small city where they call it home now.
Please don't stop dreaming, look another places, go out of the country to get a new perspective if you have to, put on hold your loans if that's what it takes, Be proud of yourself you have accomplished a lot already.
Don't let the economy determined your life, there's still plenty of people with money who do very well regardless the economy and they will be ready to hire you.
Keep searching but only with the feeling that whatever its best for you will be given. Try very hard to have this feeling every night before you go to bed, and trust me something will come up, and very soon. You are young, smart and you have to be a beautiful person to wanted to be a teacher, there is no reason in this world why you won't accomplish your dream, just don't stop dreaming, and don't worry about what people say or think, it's your life, they don't have to go to a job that they hate, you do, and you are the only one who can change that.
Pierre s SPOT ON SIR!
Papichulo1 Live is hard??? you are 20 you live with your parents, meaning they provide for you, you live in a free country, you are healthy, you are going to school and have a job.
what you mean nothing comes to you?? Gratefulness for what you have is a good way to start, and then how about some driving classes, don't you think is time for you to have a driver license?
Seems like you are on your way to become independent, don't be so hard on yourself, just get a driver license and after that worry about whats next, maybe moving out,
Did you know that the human brain is not fully developed until 25, that is the reason why young man your age sometimes are the way they are, we call it immature, but it's just a nature. Take it easy, keep helping around the house pull your own weight, an enjoy live.
@Concerned
Thank you for your comment.We are so glad to hear that you have found our articles helpful.At this time, we do not have private online
support groups available.This might be
an option we offer in the future, though.In the meantime, many parents have found support from other parents
experiencing similar issues in our comments section.Please let us know if you have any additional
questions.Take care.
Paula71
Thanks for
your question. Here are the other articles in this series: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-2-how-adult-children-work-the-parent-system/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/.Please let us know if you have any additional
questions.Take care.
My sister is 45 and has lived with my parents for 7 years now. She also hasnt had a paying job in 7 years. She did volunteer work and goes to school, takes classes upon classes, but still- no job with an income.
I think she is pathetic. She has no friends, she has no love interests and she blames my mom for most of her failures in life but continues to freeload. I want nothing to do with her.
I see that she is trying to learn new skills, but refuses to get even a part time job becAuse she thinks she is either over or under qualified and wont stoop to take a waitress job or something like that.
She also likes and wants to live with my parents as she doesnt like living alone and rents are pricey. I dont think roomates would tolerate her b.s.
I personally think she must be on the spectrum. She has NO LIFE. Other than school and I dont ever see her really making plans or socializing. I think she is strange and immature and Im mad as hell that she continues to live like this - rent free- with my 86 year old father and 76 year old mother.
I think this should be updated with an exception:
"But kids of bad parents can cripple their children from becoming independent adults, a danger any parent should be aware of".
I admit, I can understand when someone is actually a good for nothing freeloader. And they need every kick in the butt possible.
But painting everyone living with their parents as subhuman garbage is very crass to say the least.
What about the children who's parents provided no support whatsoever as they grew up, leaving them unemotionally and financially crippled?
What about the children who's parents ignorance of their natural skills lead them to being pressured to do things that they could find rather loathsome, like joining the military out of family tradition instead of taking something more practical like vocational work?
What about parents who live in economic hole for their children but work elsewhere and are ignorant to the fact? To the point where the option of moving is beyond their children's means and even the prospect of part time low paying work is fought tooth and nail by 30+ people per position (yes i'm talking about California).
What about parents who refuse to help pay for school, even for just vocational training, because they are too lazy to care to realizing investing in their children would be a better for all of them?
What about parents who squandered their finances at a casino?
Etc, etc, etc.
You can't always blame the children when they don't exceed YOUR expectations or even met them. After all.
"Blaming the child is a lie and a shame.
You know exactly who to blame!
The mother and the father."
@John
I hear you. It can be tough when you feel like your life
could be so much more than it is. From our perspective, it’s never too late to
change. The important thing is you know that you want to make a change. That’s
always the first step. It might be helpful to find a counselor or therapist who
can help you determine what the next steps would be. S/he would also be able to
help you develop effective ways of dealing with the anxiety you are feeling.
The 211 Helpline is a nationwide referral service that can help you find
services and supports in your area. You can contact the Helpline 24 hours a day
by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by visiting them online at http://www.211.org/. We appreciate you writing in and
sharing your story. Good luck to you as you move forward through these changes.
Take care.
I have a friend who needs some help regarding her 50 year old brother who is still living at the parent's home (he never moved out), unemployed, has a drinking and drug problem, doesn't contribute ANY rent or grocery money, and recently started stealing from their parent's bank account. HeMore
Lucy777
I can understand how much you would want to help your friend
with this challenging situation. It must be very difficult indeed for her to
watch her brother take advantage of their mother in this way. Because we are a
website aimed at helping people who are in a direct parenting roleMore
I've been looking for some parent group or forum or something on this very topic for over a year. I guess I have not looked hard enough. I see a lot of parents here with a support system having these issues, I had thought this was an issue that would affect single parents more than a unit. I am glad to see I am wrong.
I was asked to leave home at 16 years of age, because that is the age I was when I assumed I knew everything. I didn't move back home for longer then 6 months in all of the years since, and I enjoyed the time I spent there getting financially able to pay my bills and take care of my child. I was grateful to my parents for allowing this, because I had been in a domestically abusive relationship for a few years at that point. I would never have thought to abuse that kindness.
I have sheltered my children, because I feared their paths would take them where I had been, and I barely survived that. I don't have that same fear now, I have had years to deal with those irrational fears and when I started to get stronger in myself , the rules I had let my children skirt around became things I started to actively enforce. As a single parent working full time, raising two children, there had to be rules but I was met with resistance. Asking until I was tired and did it myself. Taking away technology and freedoms. When my oldest turned 16 she couldn't stop telling me how excited to move she was. At 18 she did move out for about 4months. She moved in right before her 19th birthday. When she came back home the deal was that she was just here to save up money so she could get her own place. She insisted on paying her roommates rent for a month she didn't even live there, and she paid them quite well for the one bedroom they allowed her while she was there. Now she blows every dime she makes on herself and her boyfriend, while feeling comfortable asking me to continue being charitable. She only works part time and wont even consider a second job. She got and spent her entire income tax return in 3 days but has not paid her rent to me nor purchased her own food as was agreed upon. I pay the bills because this is my home and I still have a younger child here. While I am gone during the day at work she eats my food and enjoys all the benefits of owning a home. She tells me if she had a car things would be different, but I refuse to buy that car, or even help her get her license at this point because we had mutual understandings on those issues that she also couldn't stick to.
Here is why I have not just kicked her out. At the age of 13, when her behavioral issues kicked in, we sought the help of a counselor. That woman diagnosed my daughter with PTSD and anxiety and medicated her. So every time I asked her to do something around the house or refused her anything, she would experience flair ups in her condition. I don't know how she got diagnosed with PTSD and to this day I still don't know what she had happen in her life that could have led to that. I do understand the anxiety, everyone gets anxious from time to time and I myself suffer from an undiagnosed form of social anxiety. She still uses these when something arises she does not want to deal with. I try to get her help with these issues and she chooses not to go back to counseling or take her medications. Imagine what that can do to the people that have to deal with that? It has been a long unexplained nightmare, because laws protect children of 13 and over from having to share their medical issues with their parents. (This is a ridiculous law in my opinion and I would like to meet the person who felt this was helpful)
How, realistically, can I just get her moved out and step up to being an adult? I'm so fed up and tired. I still have a child who needs me without this adult draining me. She is talking getting married, but I don't want to be stuck with her until someone else can save her, I want her to save herself, she just doesn't seem willing to try. I thought that either 1) She would offer some help for all of the sacrifices I made to help her grow up or 2) 18 would be the date of my freedom. I have never felt so trapped as I feel at this time, and I lived with an abusive man. Getting away from him required me being strong enough to move away and sever ties, even though we had children together. Encouraging her to either move out and do it her way, or help out and follow the rules here is proving futile and I love her as an extension of myself. I really don't want to see any harm befall her.
I am receptive to any advice, I even had a prayer session with my mom :) Thank you
iknowhowigothere
There is such a fine line between caring about someone enough to
offer help, and being a caretaker for that person. Your daughter and you seem to
be in a pattern of not really knowing where that line is. That is quite
understandable given the history of your situation and her emotional
challenges. ItMore