EMOREG

Why can’t I control my feelings?

• Regulating feelings is not straightforward. If we could simply change our feelings at the drop of a hat, then the feelings would serve no purpose. So feeling down for a period after an upsetting event, or feeling anxious before doing something difficult, is normal and healthy.
• Sometimes, however, people do experience disabling problems involving their emotions (e.g., chronic jealousy, anger problems, panic attacks), and these sometimes involve large and persistent swings in mood (e.g., bipolar disorder). There can be a number of reasons for this. For example, having incorrect conflicting beliefs about one’s own emotions can lead to over-regulation. Psychological therapy may help in such cases and the advice of a medical doctor should be sought.

Can my feelings be regulated without my knowledge?

Yes, in two ways.

• First, we often regulate how we feel without being aware of it i.e., it has become automatic.

• Second, research has shown that feelings are contagious.  Just sitting facing someone can cause our moods to shift towards that of the other person.  This occurs because we non-consciously mimic others and the feedback from our face and body shifts our mood. It seems that we can even be influenced by the feelings of people in our social network with whom we only have an indirect connection. But the impact may be small.  People also have ways of deliberately resisting or colluding in what others feel (e.g. by using humour).

How does emotion regulation relate to other forms of self control?

There is good evidence to suggest that emotion regulation relies on the same mental resources as other forms of self control (such as controlling a ball or resisting food). So doing one can deplete the resources used by the other.  Like all forms of control, doing a lot of it can be exhausting. This is why doing a lot of emotion work (e.g., customer service) can be very tiring. There are also occasions when self control is harder. For example, it can be harder to resist having a food treat as a quick mood enhancer at the end of a day.

Why is emotion regulation important?

• Emotion regulation affects us all in our everyday lives.  If we do it well, it can enhance our well-being, our performance, and our relationships.  For example, the ability to regulate one’s own feelings can influence sports performance, and the ability to regulate how others feel is vital to building good relationships with colleagues and customers. 
• If we don’t do it well, it can be detrimental to those same things.  For example, the risks we take (e.g., gambling) and the behaviours we indulge in (e.g., smoking) can be forms of emotion regulation. 
• Emotion regulation can affect our parenting, our friendships, our work, our health, and our leisure.