I’m worried that my grandmother might be living her last days. What can I do for her while I care for her?
She’s 90 years old, almost 91 and it’s gotten to the point where she’s obviously suffering. She won’t eat unless we coax her into it, keeps saying she wants to die, today even told me to kill her. She needs helping getting out of bed and can barely go to the bathroom on her own. Also calls out at night for help turning over in bed which she can’t do on her own. She mostly just lies down and sleeps all day. It feels like she’s almost completely lost the will to live.
All of our family members are taking turns tending to her needs and I’m on my own kind of extended stay right now. And I just feel so helpless. She says “I’ll never get better” and I say things like “i think you can get better than you are now if you just eat”. And it’s actually helped and I got her to eat a good amount this afternoon.
But damn. She’s asked me to kill her, she’s saying she wants to die constantly, that god doesn’t love her anymore (she’s a life long protestant), and that she’s “no good”. Which is of course not true. Also asking me “when is my time to die”. Just stuff that’s really hard to answer.
I’m just lost and I want to help but I kind of feel my grandmas own point: that nothing can truly be helped I mean she’s 90 for crying out loud. And suffering a lot. Life is already suffering I can’t imagine suffering even more at the age of 90 in a small bed.
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level 1
This sounds very difficult - I'm sorry for pain you are experiencing. One thing I've found is that in spite of the pain, being present with someone who is dying is one of the most precious gifts there is. It will enrich your life in ways you can't foresee or predict.
I would definitely suggest learning and practicing Tonglen when you are with your grandmother. In case you are not familiar with this practice, here is a short talk and guided meditation by Tara Brach:
Second, hands down the best book I've read on preparing for death, and being with someone who is dying in a helpful way, is the book called "Being With Dying" by Joan Halifax Roshi. I think you will find this book immensely helpful given the situation you are in.
Take care and I wish you ease during this difficult time.
level 1
This is a very painful time. It might be true that there is not much to do in terms of prolonging her life or reducing her physical pain.
What can help her (and you) is to remember the positive things about her life, all the good things she has done, all the good moments she shared with others, all the love. Focus on that, know this is the important thing. If anything negative comes up in association with the good moments, there is no need to entertain them in any way, unless she wants to express regret as a way to let those negative things go. Come back to the good parts and rejoice in those.
If you are open to doing Buddhist practices, you can take a look at this : https://www.pemakilaya.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Inspiration-Guidance-for-Death-and-Dying-revised-May-2017.pdf
I send courage to your grandmother, you, and your family.
level 1
It's kinda normal for bed bound old folks to wanna die sooner. But spiritual contentment can help. Can try this: you will definitely die grandma, maybe even very soon. So don't need to worry about it. It cannot be rushed. In the meantime, here's church choir to calm yourself down. Here is a mantra: I will die, that's for sure. Can repeat that for comfort.
They do need some source of joy, earing sense can be one. If she knows meditation it's even better. But as she's not Buddhist, she may not be open to guided meditation if you try to introduce that.
To say more on how to let go and allow oneself to die maybe seen as causing death, and breaking precepts, so I will just shut up now.
Good job on taking care of her well, just make sure that you guys, the immediate family are ready to let her go as well. And if she is hanging on to life because you guys cannot let her go, you guys need to give her permission to die in peace.
P.s. important to note that giving permission to die isn't the same as wishing the person to die. Have the first, not the second.
level 1
Trying to get her to eat might not be helping if she doesn't want to eat. I'm not an expert so feel free to discard this bit of advice. But from what I understand, our bodies are very good at telling us when we need to eat. If she doesn't want to eat, her body is telling her she doesn't need food. Now, IF she is nearing end of life, that's normal. She might feel more at ease if there was no pressure to eat. That's my two cents. Remember that I am a random stranger on the Internet so don't take what I say too seriously. May you and your family find peace in this situation 🙏
level 1
and that she’s “no good”
Sounds to me that she might have shame. I recommend accepting and forgiving every part of yourself. Then do the same to her.
Make sure that your thoughts, actions, etc are completely congruent with acceptance and forgiveness towards her. Love unconditionally and intrinsically, no matter how hard. If this is done authentically then she will feel it.
Meditate on all of this and have it as your basis for concentration. The type of suffering she's experiencing is just 'being' instead of 'doing.' She's got to let go of control. It's the control (power; influence over) that creates the feelings of aversion (wanting it to be different).
level 2
Could be that she's no good to contribute to humanity or even to take care of herself any more too. A normal part of the loss of self esteem which comes with the physical loss of the ability to take care of themselves.
level 1
Difficult to sit in loving attendance as a revered family member dies. Embrace your role. Nothing you can do most likely as she seems ready to go. Comfort, love and witness.
level 1
The convo on death between Sam Harris and Frank Ostaseski is a good one. Especially about grief.
level 1
Try to get her to remember good deeds she's done. Write them down and read them back to her when you can.
If you can get her to take the precepts that will help her with a better rebirth. But she needs to understand them too. https://suttacentral.net/vv53/en/kiribathgoda
"Wise people do not praise the actions of evil people who kill. You asked me if I knew about the precept of abstaining from killing living beings. At first I told you that I did not know about it. Once you had explained it to me, I observed that precept.You asked me if I knew about the precept of not taking others’ belongings if they are not given to us. At first I told you that I did not know about it. Once you had explained it to me, I observed that precept.You asked me if I knew about the precept of not going to others’ wives since it is a very low thing. At first I told you that I did not know about it. Once you had explained it to me, I observed that precept.You asked me if I knew about the precept of not saying things as if they were true when I know they are not. Lying is not praised by the wise. At first I told you that I did not know about it. Once you had explained it to me, I observed that precept.You asked me if I knew about the precept of not using intoxicants, by which one loses mindfulness. At first I told you that I did not know about it. Once you had explained it to me, I observed that precept.On that day, I observed the Five Precepts and followed the Great Teacher’s Dhamma. Later, when I reached an intersection on the road, I was surrounded by a gang of robbers. They killed me just to take my money.Going for refuge and observing the Five Precepts is the only merit I recollect doing. I did not obtain any other merit in my life. As a result of those meritorious deeds, I was reborn in this Tavatimsa Heaven and now experience all the happiness that I wish for."
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