NYT DTH PREP

My father nodded in agreement. “My main hope is to be with all of you. If I will lose my ability to be myself, if my mind will never be clear, please just let God take me,” my father told me, stirring his tea.

Though it is a daunting task, talking about death offers opportunities for grace and connection with our loved ones. Last summer, I watched as a patient’s brother told her for the first time how much he loved her, just before she told him she was choosing hospice instead of a clinical trial. In the fall, I walked the wife of a patient into her husband’s hospital room, where they renewed their wedding vows amid cake, balloons and glittery confetti.

“This was what she always wanted,” he told me when we discussed what was most important to him. “I put it off for so long, but I have to do it before I die.”

Working in the hospital with patients suffering from the coronavirus made me ask myself the questions I hope you will ask yourselves and the people you love:

• What is most important to me in my life? (My family and pets, and the ability to write and doctor).
• What makes my life meaningful? (My work; dancing; being outdoors; being with my loved ones).
• What sort of quality of life would be unacceptable to me? (Being permanently bed-bound or neurologically devastated; indignity and suffering; depending on others for personal care).
• Who is best positioned to speak on my behalf? (My brother).
• Who would I not want involved in decision making? (Family living abroad).
• Would I want to undergo C.P.R. should my heart stop? (Only if the issue leading to the cardiac arrest is reversible. If my heart stopped even when I was being sustained on life support machines or dying from an incurable disease, then I’d prefer to die peacefully rather than with C.P.R.).
• What would bring me comfort if I were hospitalized? (Pictures of my family; music I love playing in my room; prayer).

This is by no means an exhaustive list of questions. The Conversation Project offers many more, as well as guidance on how and when to begin these conversations. The Serious Illness Conversation Guide gives health care providers a road map of when and how to start asking patients about dying. Both resources offer the compassionate, incisive — and often unfamiliar — language required for us to ask the right questions and empower our loved ones to share specific, honest answers.