Jack Takter, Writer
So, here’s what will happen. You’ll pee more. And I’m not speaking for the over 70s age group here. To all you readers in your 30s or younger, this peeing thing will start as you approach 40. Waking up at night, needing a whizz. It starts with just once a night, but you'll progress to more – two or three a night, your bladder feeling like a water balloon ready to be thrown. Particularly if you like a drink, which I do.
Bringing me right along to the second thing about getting old. If you are partial to the odd beer, a glass of wine or nightcap, then the “odd” drink will eventually become the “regular” drink. You’ll find yourself giving up on experimentation and becoming more loyal with your drinking habit, you’ll have a “go to” tipple. For me, it's brandy and tonic, that’s if I'm feeling international; whiskey and tonic if I'm feeling more working class. I’ve never tried intravenous hard drugs, but that first sweet swallow of cold tonic laced with a barrel aged liquor tastes so divine it makes me want to smack a vein on my inside arm every time. But back to you, trust me, that drink will become the highlight of your day, that moment when the liquid passes your throat and hits your stomach, sending a telegram to your brain with the message “you survived another day, now relax, now breathe”.
Then there's the hair. Yes, it'll start to go and grow, both from places you don't want it to. Sprouting from your ears, nose and your eyebrows in a way that would have Brezhnev himself nodding in respectful approval.
As for the disappearing hair, If you're lucky, baldness will face you off like a gunslinger from the O.K. Corral, looking you straight in the eye and making you wait. If you’re one of the unlucky ones, like me, it’ll sneak up from behind and with careful baby steps infiltrate your head like a Russian spy. It might take years for you to notice, but all of a sudden your scalp will reveal itself and your dignity will be gone. You are no longer the man you thought you were. Shine on you crazy bald guy.
Never mind, eh? Cheer up! Or perhaps not, because it gets more sinister now. By your 40-somethings death will have touched you, not just once, but several times. It may visit you with a crash and a bang, right in your face, breaking down the door and announcing its arrival. Or it might be more subtle, from time to time making its presence known from the cheap seats at the top of the stadium with a single shout that echoes.
Death will haunt you from Facebook and WhatsApp “Did you hear so and so died, too young”. It’ll be classmates you didn’t keep in touch with or distant relatives, but the reminders of your own mortality will be such that you won’t be able to ignore them like you did when you were younger. If you’re reading this, obviously, the Angel of Death will not have visited you, yet. But if you’re feeling your age in the slightest, then if you listen carefully, you’ll hear the sound of it spreading its wings, getting ready to take flight.
But before the angel arrives, there’s the matter of the baggage of the life you have lived so far. Now’s the time to decide how you will deal with it, because it will define the remainder of your experience on this mortal coil. Do you throw that luggage in the back of the closet, leaving it there, with its contents of dirty laundry, toiletries and souvenirs. Or do you wash the laundry, place the toiletries back where they belong and the souvenirs in clear sight to rekindle your memories.
Because if you choose the former, you’ll always be thinking of what you have stashed from the past. If you choose the latter, then you’ll move towards contentment, and that’s really rather pleasant. Your ambition will decrease, relieving you of petty stresses. You’ll also find yourself becoming more forgiving... or less: More forgiving for people's weaknesses, less so for lack of common courtesy. You’ll no longer be so certain of your beliefs, except for the values you hold dear, they’ll grow even stronger roots. So strong they can’t be pulled out, like a Redwood tree’s roots, deep in the core of the earth. What I’m trying to say is you’ll recognize right from wrong.
Fact is, you’re getting older and slower, but you can dictate the trajectory of your own contentment with your life. Empty that luggage, don’t let it sit there gathering dust, a burden on your conscience. Embrace the journey you’ve been on, forgive yourself and those you care about for the small indiscretions… and a few big ones. This way, you’ll find yourself smiling more.
Well, that’s about all I have to say about getting old. Now, I need my beauty sleep, but first I’ll finish off this drink and head off for a wee.
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